The World Is Still Turning But It Feels Different

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Actually since before I left for Perth July 9th. What a time that was. Yes, it did change me. I came back filled with love that I can carry with me now always. A beautiful family and a land filled with lovely people. It was beyond any thoughts or anticipations that I had.
Do you know that in Australia people are actually happy. They work hard at jobs that fulfill them, with people that they can laugh with and then they go on holiday. If they get sick they actually can go to a doctor. If this is socialism I want it.
When I got home my entire world opened up to me. I keep pinching myself to realize that it is all real. Now I have to write about Jessy.
That’s not her Chinese name, but certainly easier for me to say. She has become my angel. She bought “Ladder” from me in April and she says that this painting has changed her. She decided to help me in my pursuits. She has opened up doors for my art that I could have only dreamed of. She just walked up to these doors and opened them. Oh she’s worked hard, but she knows how to organize and make things happen. And in her words, “I’m always thinking”. Her story is more magnificent because of where she started. A lone little girl who had big dreams, got knocked down hard and stood back up and is now power and compassion. She has taken my art to a new level. I won’t bore you with details, but I can say that next month I will be featured in a six page section filled with my paintings and writings in a very respected art magazine in China. They told Jessie that I am their first non-Chinese artist that they have featured ever. She has gotten critiques from two of the most famous artists in China, made a brochure of my work and entered me in two international shows. All this in a matter of three months. Yes pinch me. It’s been a while since I felt a purpose to paint. Now I feel an obligation to paint just to make her proud.
Even in these hard times greatness is possible. Success is possible. No my head isn’t swelling up with ego, but I do have hope now. I do feel that I’m moving forward. And I’ve learned a lesson. A nice lesson this time. This is the lesson of partnership and trust. I can’t do it all alone. It’s okay to accept help. Just as long as I always remember: Never take advantage. Share not only in the joy, but the compensation, as well. And give credit where credit is due.
I always love synchronicity. Before I left for Australia my wonderful sister bought me this great Nikon SLR camera. That was first. The second was that I have always wanted PhotoShop to work with my images, but could never afford the price tag. Two weeks ago Worldstart.com advertised a program called PhotoDesigner Pro that was similar to PS, but only, are you ready, $8.95 and free shipping. I bought it. Then I found out about the magazine spread. If I hadn’t had my camera I wouldn’t have been able to take the photos needed for the magazine and if I hadn’t had this program, which came one day prior to finding out about the magazine opportunity, I would never have been able to size, turn the images into TIF and adjust the color just right for the magazine. The stars are in alignment for sure. And this program is very similar to PS. Jessie has PS and we were able to talk back and forth on what was needed. I could do everything that her PS did. So thank you Beth and Worldstart. Without you I could not have taken advantage of this great opportunity.
You can feast your eyes on my sisters artwork at http://www.artbyelizabethtaft.com/
Also go to http://www.worldstart.com/ and buy PhotoDesigner Pro. You won’t be disappointed.

Thoughts

It's been nearly a week. I've been working on staying in the NOW. It's hard. So much going on. Bills to pay. A house to clean and a yard that needs seriously attention. Work on my latest painting Stay in the NOW. Don't redo the entire evening. Don't go through every word you said. Don't analyze. Let it go. Be in the NOW.
Andrew. A shining light. A man with an eternally youthful smile. That smile carries itself through eternity and back. So genuine. So kind. A clear karma. He knows what his path is. He knows who he is and he knows where he's going. Contentment and joy. That's Andrew. Yet I know that he works himself down to the bone. He carries the trust of important people. Loving people, but just the same, he works so very hard. Does he stay in the NOW? Is he always present? It seemed that way.
Eva. I have absolutely no idea what her age is. She is timeless. Inner beauty and grace. Efficient or she wouldn’t hold such an important position. Yet, like Andrew, she is so comfortable with herself. Always gracious and kind.
I could spend the rest of my life and never reach the level of grace both of these people were born with. Are they married? Do they have families? Is there a husband waiting for Eva? Is he as evolved as she is? Or is she like most, in a relationship that takes work, patience and love. I doubt that Andrew is married. When would he have time to see a wife, care for a child, be present for them. He's all over the world. Traveling between every country on the globe. Doing his work that he knows has purpose. Working for a man who is even more than him, if that's possible.
So it's been almost a week. I've failed at being in the NOW. I've dissected every single word I spoke. Second guessed how it came across. I was nervous around Andrew. Probably because I felt he held my future in his gaze, attentiveness. What did he see?
I know some things. I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. I know who I am and where I've come from. I know where my healing needs to go. I also know that I must be done with all of it and be in the NOW in order to be where I want to be. It's not about money or fame or prestige. It's about doing my work. Telling truth through my work. Sounds simple, but it's the hardest thing I've ever attempted to do in my lifetime up to now. NOW. There's that word again. I can't afford to make a misstep, but I know I will. I'm not like Andrew and Eva. I'm flawed. I have baggage and issues around me every day that I have to put myself into. It's time to ask the question again. The question that stops the internal chatter. The words that bring me in, explore me in, turn me in. NOW. I feel my fingers toughing the keys to the keyboard. Flowing across mindlessly. I can type. Thank God for that. I can type fast and accurately. But if I stop and think about each key instead of the phrase I'm typing I make mistakes. Is that it? Not questioning each touch of the key. It stops me like it stops me when I question every word I say. I need to let it flow. Keep going without thought. That question is back. It's the only thing that stops me.
What is my next thought?…………………………….

Do I Need A Second Job?

Yesterday I was in a cleaning mood. Everyone's always happy when that happens. Of course, I expect a great deal of praise for the beauty that I created. I'm not what you would call a clean freak like my daughter, the nurse, but I do like a clean, picked up environment. The clutter in my head lessens when the house is in order. Today I feel like writing.

I talked about needing a job to help with the downward spiral of our finances. Well, I made an attempt at a temp agency last week. They didn't have any openings. I could probably land one. Prior to being a full time artist, full time faux finisher, full time artist again, I did work in secretarial/management positions. I know this sounds like a huge excuse, but hear me out.

Not to bore you, but I have to give you a bit of a profile so you will fully understand my circumstances. Without it, this wouldn't make sense. We are living literally on the edge. My husband is in the commissions game. He places people in apartments. The apartment communities pay his office a fee and he gets 50%. We're talking maybe $150.00 per client. It takes a whole lot of clients to pay our bills. Prior to my vertigo problem I was bringing in around $25,000 a year from faux finishing plus whatever I made through art sales. We are now unable to pay our income taxes just to mention one issue. So, my getting a job would definitely help our situation. Now to the real problem I have. Just how much does anyone really need.

This is relative, of course, to one's state of mind, position in the community, etc. But, morally, with everyone losing their homes, children starving and living in cars, I have to ask the question. We could lose our home, too. That's a real possibility. But we don't have small children to feed now. Just our two dogs, one cat and a duck that can't fly that lives with us in our pool. So for me to take a job would seem wrong.

If I were to land a job, how many other men and women who have small children to feed would not get that one job available. If you think I'm stretching this theory look at the unemployment numbers and at least double them because they are truly not reflective of how many people have lost their jobs. I really think we all need to do our part in helping. I wouldn't feel right about taking a job that someone more needing of that job would lose.

I know, you ask, "How would you know you had taken it from someone more needing?" I don't. But lets be serious here. I'm not a specialist in biochemistry. Whatever job I would be qualified for could be filled by a lot of people.

What I'm trying to say here is this, what do YOU really need and how much can you live without in order to survive? I have been accused of being too ethical. I'd rather be more ethical than egotistical. There is a lot I can give up and have. I love my home, but it's not the most important aspect of my life. Not anymore. I've taken inventory and found that I could go way down the economic scale and still be very happy. I can only work on a few paintings at one time so my expenses aren't extreme. If all of us would dig deep and realize that there is real need out there, there probably wouldn't be as much need. We are all a family. If giving up an extra income that would make me more comfortable is all I can do to help others, I'm willing to do it. Thank God my husband shares my views, because he has to work very hard to keep us afloat. But he does have a job which is more than a lot of people can say right now.

As I'm sitting here writing this a dove just walked into my room from my patio. How absolutely wonderful is that? I'm talking to him right now and he's just standing here with my cat and two dogs right next to me on the floor. We are all just talking to each other. Life is good.

Good News

This week I have been accepted into the X-Power International Art Show being held at X-Power Gallery in Beverly Hills. They accepted "On The Road To Enlightenment"

The publication of "A Published Gallery" has accepted 6 of my paintings to be featured in this new book.

Good to have good news once in awhile.

On The Topic of Talent

It's Wednesday, I need to start my day, begin some kind of exercise routine, finish whatever chores I MUST DO and allow myself the luxury of painting.

Yet, here I am writing. I started my morning off with Tara Reed's, Art Licensing E-News blog which took me to Annie Salness's blog on "What is Your Creative Habit". Then I found Michael Orwick's blog where he introduces a fabulous 18 minute video http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/453 of Elizabeth Gilbert talking about where talent comes from according to legend. Last, but definitely not least I found myself at Sue Smith's blog where she, too, was talking about talent in her blog "What Does It Take To Be Talented."

Evidently Talent is the topic of the week. I find it ironic because I've been deeply thinking about that same subject for a bit of time now. I will say to all my students that we are all capable of doing everything. If you have the desire to learn something you most certainly have the ability to learn it. I truly believe that God or your higher power would not give anyone the desire without the ability to accomplish the task.

Having said that I am reminded of a student I had years ago who could not see prospective and she had MS so holding the brush was difficult for her. But she wanted to paint and I believed that if she had the desire she would be able to accomplish the art of watercolor. I'm the type of teacher who does not instruct. It makes for an easy work day actually. I just sit my students down, show them the materials they need, how to use the water and paint, give them paper (at the time I was teaching watercolor) and tell them to paint. It's quite a challenge for most people. Especially those who are used to attending classes where they are told what to do or read or write in order to get their degrees. It's the fear that comes over my students when I say, "Just Paint!" that is my hard work as a teacher. I want to jump in and rescue them, but I know that until they win the battle over fear my work is not done. I am happy to say that I have never had a student walk out of my class. And Margo is still painting. She is painting with her talent. She was able to create a style where her lack of prospective worked for her. Along with her beautiful colors and the joy in the realization that she can paint and sell her paintings now gives her great pleasure. Josey is another one who pops to mind. I sat with her for over a week of private watercolor classes before she could conquer her fear of letting go. It was such a joy to see these people open up to the possibility that in their soul there really was an artist just waiting to be discovered and experienced. Is this talent or God granting a prayer?

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote the book "Eat, Pray, Love." In this video she talks about the fears involved with her second attempt at greatness due to the fact that her book has become a national best seller beyond her dreams and how many artist's have left us early because of the demons accompanied with this fear of not being able to live with their talent.

Talent is a word that when I say it or it is said to me creates this deep penetrating caution inside my gut. I'm definitely not comfortable with it. When people say that I'm talented my immediate reaction is to say no I'm not really. This inevitably follows praise which is not my intention at all. I feel embarrassed by the reference as if I don't deserve it or that by thinking I may be talented makes me seem somehow conceited. At the very instance that I feel that stab, I'm confronted with the other feeling of not respecting the gift that has been given to me from God. These are two very conflicting emotions that I struggle with.

I agree with Sue Smith when she talks about going past the fear to reach the next level of accomplishment. If we don't give ourselves that challenge then we can't progress. I'm a living example of that for sure.

You'll be proud of me Sue because I finally overcame one of my gut fears just this week. I completed a nude. (I have attached the painting to the blog. I'm not sure I'm finished, but there it is.) Not a much defined nude, but a nude never the less. I've never been able to do this. I've started, but always painted over it because it made me feel so uncomfortable. If you that are reading have read any of my other blogs you'll remember that I was chastised for painting a nude woman as a child. After writing that blog it occurred to me that I had been affected by that childhood memory more than I had realized and now was the time to deal with it.

Artist's who teach will always be students. This is a fact. I had to take my challenge of "Just Paint" and practice what I preached. Is there talent in all of us or are just a few demonized by this entity? Is the talent from a separate source as Elizabeth talks about? I know I've felt that especially in the painting "On The Road To Enlightenment." It took me months to finish this piece because I had to wait for the next bit of information in order to take it where it wanted to go. Have you had that feeling?

I believe this is the essence of life. It's so simple yet so difficult to assimilate and glide through. How about this: With the desire brings the talent which comes from the faith that you can and this brings us to now. Where ever that now is for each of us individually in the collective consciousness of the universe is the mystery and joy.

I will continue to force myself past my demons. Whether I paint another nude or not is not what is important. The fact that I made myself finish it and felt comfortable with the finished piece is the beauty of life and where I can go now because of that action. Is it talent that ables me to go there? I don't know. Personally, I have decided to take the ancient attitude of talent and accept that it comes from an outside source that joins me in my endeavors.

Survival

I've been told that in order to write a successful blog one must write articles that others will be interested in reading. Well okay, I'm game. Just what are other people interested in? I only know myself. I'm not that interesting, but I do know myself. Obviously, I'm interested in art, but that's narrow. My interests usually go with the flow of others. Aren't we all influenced in many ways by each other? Who really painted the first rose?

My interests these days are in how to survive. Because I've been suffering from pneumonia for the past month I am interested in more than financial survival, but the physical kind as well. I'm never sick. I don't like being sick. To me, losing a day is tragic. After a few life threatening situations I find that each minute I'm aware of living, is precious to me. I hate losing time because of sickness. I can't sleep during the day and I rarely sleep more than 6 hours at night. I know that time is relative, but even though I never wear a watch the time does seem to fly by with or without it.

Survival, interesting concept. Because we are alive, does that mean we are surviving or is there a deeper meaning to the word survival? The dictionary states that survival is a continuance beyond the life of another; any ancient use, custom, or belief continuing to the present day (Webster, 1962). Then there is survival of the fittest. That makes me think of President Kennedy and his fitness program. (I have no idea where that came from, but it did.)

Am I just surviving or is my life making a difference? Will my art survive me? Will you know me because of my art? I never do anything with ease. That's something I know about myself. If I type I have to be the fastest. If I study I have to get the best grade, know the most. It's never been a competition against another. I've somewhere in my past found the need to better myself with each day. Push to beat myself. Being who I am I've psychoanalyzed myself to death. This drive comes from the fact that my parents never expected me to do well. I was considered not extremely smart and C's were just fine. It's not their fault. They'd never heard of dyslexia and I didn't know I had it until I was 30 and put through a weeks worth of testing at the University of Nevada, Reno. They wanted to know what skills I had and what I would excel in before they admitted me. I found out I wasn't stupid and I was extremely dyslexic. I was also pergnant, which was an even bigger surprise, but that's for another time. I did find out I was interested in painting from those tests. I must have known deep inside as a small child and all through my growing up years that I wasn't really stupid. I struggled at reading and that was explained away because I had been deaf when they were teaching reading. But I pushed myself and I really liked the way it felt.

I want to be the best. I know this is a very high hurdle to glide over, but it's the honest truth. Why else would anyone do anything if it weren't to achieve greatness? What would be the point? If I don't make it into the group of the best at least I will be able to say I gave it my all. Right now with the economy as it is, I'm sure most of us out there painting are being looked down at as lazy because we don't GET A JOB. Make some money.

I want to survive, but I'm stubborn. I want to survive beyond money. I want my spirit to survive, too. This is considered selfish now in this world we live in. It's not really socially accepted to actually like what you do for a job. When I get well, which I'm sure will be very soon (I'm practicing positive thinking), I'm going to GET A JOB other than painting. It's the right thing to do to help my family financially survive. I do have skills. Yep, I can type 150 wpm, unfortunately. My heart won't be in it, but I'll fake it. I'll push myself to be the best at whatever I can do to make money. I'd much rather sell a painting, but I have no control over that other than offering the work to buy. My heart will be in front of my easel with my favorite white sweatshirt, legs crossed leaning into a canvas filled with potential. I would love to live in a world where art was considered a job, but it isn't. Somewhere in all of this chaos I will find a balance. I must for my own survival. What is survival for you?

Balance and Being An Artist

Today I want to talk about balance. It's always been important to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm a freak of nature and anbidextrous, but I've always considered balance in all aspects of my life. If there is no balance in a situation, then that situation needs to be tweeked in some way.Okay, I'll get to the point. I know I'm rambling around here. I'm just trying to work this out. I'm a daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother who is an artist. I can hear you now. Yes, in a perfect world I would love to say I'm an artist who also just happens to be a daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother, but I'm a realist and there is no perfect world. I know who I am. I am an artist. But the fact that I am the daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother begs that I put people first. Actually it screams that I find a balance.How do I make this happen? You know what I'm talking about. How do I make myself stand out, be seen, recognized as the ARTIST if my LIFE requires that I be FIRST the daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother? I don't want to hear from those that say I just need to put myself and my art first. There is no balance in that anymore than there is balance in my reality. Does it take an unbalanced life to be successful? I could say that, yes, it does take an unbalanced life to be successful. I look at successful artists and I see someone paying the bills at least prior to that success. I remember talking to a potter who was set up next to me at an outdoor fine art show in Tahoe, CA. He had a beautiful set up for the shows and he worked as a potter full time, but he only sold 4 bowls all weekend. It took me three days of friendly conversation to find out that his wife was the president of a local bank. He admitted that if he hadn't had the support of his wife, there would be no way that he could be sitting there selling his pottery. I want to know how everyone else is doing it. What sacrifices have you made or someone else has made for you so that you can pursue your art? For those of you who have found balance, share. Let me know how you did it.

Signature Style Continued From Sue Smith's blog

Sue Favinger Smith is a professional artist who began her art career at the age of 50. She writes Ancient Artist: Developing an Art Career After 50, a blog dedicated to empowering artists seeking to reinvent themselves at mid-life. You can subscribe by visiting http://ancientartist.typepad.com./

I wanted to put your information up first because you started this! I left a comment on your blog, but it reminded me of something that affected me profoundly that I'd like to share with all of you about the subject of signature style.

I was asked to bring my work to a gallery in Santa Fe, NM. She had seen the work online and wanted me to show in her gallery. This was my first offer since working in oils and I was very excited and nervous at the same time. Being a "you never know so be prepared" type of person, I also brought some watercolors along for her to consider. I got to the gallery, unloaded all 16 large oil paintings and waited for her approval. I was nervous, but she had said she wanted my work so I assumed she would just pick out the ones she wanted to show, I'd sign the contract and be on my way. I wasn't prepared for her extensive critique which later I was told by another artist was a huge compliment since most galleries don't give free critiques.

She said that my paintings weren't finished, that I painted my oils the way I would use watercolor. This, of course, was due to my lack of knowledge in the medium. She said some nice words and gave me some encouragement, but basically, they weren't what she wanted. She was extremely professional and very nice. As I was packing up all my very large paintings I mentioned to her in passing that I had brought some of my watercolors if she was interested in seeing them. I figured I'd come all this way, I might as well lay it all out there. She took a look at the top painting and asked her assistant to get them all out of the van and handed me a contract to sign. I signed the contract, left the paintings, loaded up my oils and I was back on the road.

The tears started to fall. I was in such an emotional turmoil. I just couldn't figure out how to feel about any of it. I was happy to have a gallery in Santa Fe, thrilled that she wanted my watercolors, but hurt by the rejection of my oils. I was reminded of what my artist friend said who told me how fortunate I was to have been asked when so many other artists spend years trying to get a foot in the door and the fact that I was invited was such a compliment.

This is where the baggage comes into play. Here I am 57 years old and feeling the same way I felt at 8 when I was so excited to show my Mother the drawings I had just done. It never occurred to me that I would be punished for drawing a female body. I wasn't allowed to draw after that and it had a profound affect on my life. I didn't pick up another pencil until I was 30. Baggage is a bitch! The other emotion was because I loved those watercolors. They were my favorites and I already missed them. Crazy right?

When I got home I had to deal with the critique. It was important for me to accept her words of wisdom and apply them to my work. For the next 6 weeks I struggled to do what she suggested. Use more paint. I called it the glob effect. I just couldn't do it. I ruined so many paintings trying to do what she felt was a true oil painting.

When I was contacted by another gallery in Texas you can imagine the apprehension I felt. Driving all the way to Texas with my paintings just knowing that this gallery owner would say the same thing. But she didn't. She loved my way of painting. She said that it was new and interesting and wanted to know how I used my oils to create the watercolor effect. She accepted me into her gallery and took 9 of my paintings.

This is what I've learned from these experiences. Okay, so I'm too sensitive. I can't help it. I'm extremely connected to my art. It's a part of me. Yes, I need to be able to accept constructive criticism, but it is only one point of view. It did totally mess with my head for quite a while, but the information was without a doubt very valuable and I've integrated it into my work to a point.

Not everyone is going to like what I do, but as I've always said, I need to be authentic, true to myself. Because I am a self-taught artist, I'm not influenced by the traditional way of painting. Right or wrong and I don't think there is a right or wrong, it's what my work looks like. It's what I do. This must be what Sue Smith refers to as a Signature Style.

Thank you Sue for this mind opening dialogue.