Thoughts

It's been nearly a week. I've been working on staying in the NOW. It's hard. So much going on. Bills to pay. A house to clean and a yard that needs seriously attention. Work on my latest painting Stay in the NOW. Don't redo the entire evening. Don't go through every word you said. Don't analyze. Let it go. Be in the NOW.
Andrew. A shining light. A man with an eternally youthful smile. That smile carries itself through eternity and back. So genuine. So kind. A clear karma. He knows what his path is. He knows who he is and he knows where he's going. Contentment and joy. That's Andrew. Yet I know that he works himself down to the bone. He carries the trust of important people. Loving people, but just the same, he works so very hard. Does he stay in the NOW? Is he always present? It seemed that way.
Eva. I have absolutely no idea what her age is. She is timeless. Inner beauty and grace. Efficient or she wouldn’t hold such an important position. Yet, like Andrew, she is so comfortable with herself. Always gracious and kind.
I could spend the rest of my life and never reach the level of grace both of these people were born with. Are they married? Do they have families? Is there a husband waiting for Eva? Is he as evolved as she is? Or is she like most, in a relationship that takes work, patience and love. I doubt that Andrew is married. When would he have time to see a wife, care for a child, be present for them. He's all over the world. Traveling between every country on the globe. Doing his work that he knows has purpose. Working for a man who is even more than him, if that's possible.
So it's been almost a week. I've failed at being in the NOW. I've dissected every single word I spoke. Second guessed how it came across. I was nervous around Andrew. Probably because I felt he held my future in his gaze, attentiveness. What did he see?
I know some things. I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. I know who I am and where I've come from. I know where my healing needs to go. I also know that I must be done with all of it and be in the NOW in order to be where I want to be. It's not about money or fame or prestige. It's about doing my work. Telling truth through my work. Sounds simple, but it's the hardest thing I've ever attempted to do in my lifetime up to now. NOW. There's that word again. I can't afford to make a misstep, but I know I will. I'm not like Andrew and Eva. I'm flawed. I have baggage and issues around me every day that I have to put myself into. It's time to ask the question again. The question that stops the internal chatter. The words that bring me in, explore me in, turn me in. NOW. I feel my fingers toughing the keys to the keyboard. Flowing across mindlessly. I can type. Thank God for that. I can type fast and accurately. But if I stop and think about each key instead of the phrase I'm typing I make mistakes. Is that it? Not questioning each touch of the key. It stops me like it stops me when I question every word I say. I need to let it flow. Keep going without thought. That question is back. It's the only thing that stops me.
What is my next thought?…………………………….